Getting it right

I am human, therefore I have made so many mistakes I can't even count that high. I don't just mean the simple mathematical mistake or oops forgot to pick up the milk. I mean soul changing mistakes. Would I do it differently if I could......I don't know. It's obvioulsly made me who I am today. Perfectionist with the little stuff-I really beat myself up over the little stuff and am trying to let it go. With the big, soul changing stuff, I give great pause to all that I do. This mainly comes in the form of my relationships. I want to write well on the humanity in my life. Is yelling obscenities at a certain person going to change things? NOPE. It might most definitely make me (or all of us) feel better. But I've learned to keep it in the circle of the WHHHEEEEE because if you can't say something nice to someone, say it to someone else :) Seriously, I did wrong to many in my early years and if we only get one go around, I want to get it right. I try to focus my energies where I know it will be enjoyed, used and/or reciprocated. Not that I expect anything in return. I just know that the people I choose to maintain a close relationship with will not take without planting a seed of joy, kindness, love or simple APPRECIATION in return. It is good to give freely of yourself. I've done it to a fault (literally). Take my advice-don't do it if you'll be left on empty permanently. Giving should bring you some measure of satisfaction somewhere. When it stops doing that even on a semi-regular basis GET OUT...RUN as fast as you can. There are some people you just can't get rid of-family member, co-worker etc., so you have to learn to make peace with it, and just avoid the closeness if at all possible. They try to suck you back in-go with your gut and RUN!!!! It's not worth it. You'll be left a shell and you should be fulfilled. You have a right to be happy at your own expense. But when the cost is too high, walk away (or run like the dickens!) It can be so hard to recognize, and it can be maddening to figure out. And letting go can be so painful. I know that I have let go to get it right and while it hurts for awhile (good memories tend to creep in) once time passes I know I've done the right thing for me in the long run.
As I said before, this is my form of therapy, and I am speaking to myself and there is so much more to getting it right, that this is most likely part one.....WHHHEEEEE

Not cool WHHHEEEEE

I just got off the phone with a collection agency. UGH! I/we owe nobody nothing outstanding (we have a mortgage that is in good standing and a revolving credit card balance-all accounts are up to date). The so-called friend who took me for over $17,000 (let's call 'friend' "THE VAN") had a boyfriend. Collection agency called looking for the van's boyfriend. And because I am of no relation to said boyfriend I have no legal access to the info they have-whereabouts, what they are calling for-nothing! I haven't spoken to the van in 4 years, 9 days (I last saw the van the day before I started my fabulous job) and by that time said boyfriend had been out of the picture for at least a year-so for at least 5 years I have not seen this man. They would tell me the city they have as his address and they told me mine is the only # they have for him. I know he 'bought' the van a HUGE big screen tv, but that was about 6 years ago. Here is the not cool WHHHEEEEE part: they said he listed my phone # THREE years ago!!!! I say WHHHEEEEE because my head is spinning and my heart is racing from being so ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHGHHHHHH!! I also know Karma is as Karma does (thank you Regina Phalange)and they'll catch him eventually, and peeps that live like that are not blessed. Not that I don't wish them blessings, but how can you let blessings come upon you when you are so mired down in deceit, theft, complete wrong doings? And my personal belief since I had this money taken, is that people who claim bankruptcy after taking so much are theives of the almost worst kind. People who try to hide from their debts like him are too. Claiming bankruptcy because the economy screwed you is a completely different matter, but if you go to a rent-to-own place, you obviously can't afford it anyway-why kid yourself? That's where he went to get the tv. Have they been trying to collect for 3 years? Did he use my info once they split? Did the van do it after they split? I checked my credit less than a year ago and it was all accurate (WHHHEEEEE), but you never know in this day and age what's happening. I check my bank accounts FAITHFULLY, every day, usually twice a day (I had my check card used before christmas 2 years ago on HSN-caught the guy, but still..)I am almost neurotic about monitoring my stuff to my best ability since all this happened to me. I was such a good friend (I thought)-the friendship was so good for so long (5+ years). It's so hard to trust people now. I hate that. My next post will probably be a 'Dear Van' letter-everything I want to say should our paths cross again. I told you I was using this as therapy-the therapist in my head is very proud of me-she thinks this is all very healthy. I decided it was a she-men just can't listen sometimes! Hahahahahaha...on that note:WHHHEEEEE :)

Food for thought

My first job was at 'Chez Denyais' (sounds better than Denny's, huh?) Anywho, I learned a lot of valuable lessons there that I think are the best foundation for anyone who plans on pursuing a career..ever...or speaking to humans...ever. Lesson #1:Perception is reality. It doesn't matter what YOU KNOW happened, how it should have happened, how it would normally happen..you get the idea...how the receiver perceives it, is how it happened for them, therefore that is how it happened. IF the givers and receivers in this world (i.e. EVERYONE) would remember that, maybe the world could take a giant chill pill and RELAX. Lesson #2: A smile goes a long way...and it's free. Lesson #3:Reflective listening...repeat back what you think you heard-we could all save a lot of miscommunication in our lives personally and professionally if this were a daily practice. Lesson #4: The customer is NOT always right (so there!!) Ok, that is my own, they really don't teach that, but it is soooooooooooooooooo true. But it kinda goes back to lesson #1. Final lesson for the day (I reserve the right to expound upon this as needed) and honestly, I learn this over and over in every job Lesson #5: You can't fix stupid. There, I said it and you know it's true. Think about it...WHHHEEEEE

Blessings

I consider myself blessed. Blessings pop up in the most unusual and/or unlikely places at times and it can take awhile to notice them. Sometimes you know you have been blessed the instant it happens. I have been blessed by every key player I have mentioned above, many times over and over. I am blessed to have a family, a job, transportation, friends, common sense...the list goes on and is in no particular order. But I also know I'm blessed to have epilepsy. I would not be who I am today without it. I'd most likely still be waiting tables-not that there is anything wrong with that. But I wouldn't have met some of the people I have come to call key players without it. I would not be utilizing my skills in a more professional manner without it. Sometimes life blesses you to force you to do things you might have been otherwise to afraid to do. I found myself going along very comfortable in my life until BAM..I just couldn't (still can't) stop falling down-not so great for a waitress. I am blessed to have been royally screwed over at such a young age. I recognize the signs in others and myself when it starts to happen almost instantly and can prevent it from happening again. I also am blessed that I was able to catch it early enough to not let it follow me forever or irreversibly affect my credit. I can also use my knowledge to help others, including my precious howit, when the time is right. I am blessed that I gave as much of myself as I could when I was able. And these are just a few of the blessings that are affecting me right now. Throughout my life I have been blessed, but now I am just able to vocalize it and recognize it. A lot of people ask 'why me?' when they are 'struck down'. Why not? I don't believe I have figured out all the reasons I now have epilepsy, but I can at least see the blessings it has afforded me, and who knows-there may be more to come. WHHHEEEEE.

Many forms of WHHHEEEEE

Some people have lightbulb moments or aha moments. I have WHHHEEEEE moments. They come at random times and sometimes I know they are approaching and other times they hit me out of the blue. I will tell you now that I choose at this point in my life not to afford therapy, therefore I am choosing to blog. It is my journal of sorts. I hope that some will laugh, or at least relate. If nothing else it's my place to vent, hopefully without too much judgement. I welcome comments, positive or negative I guess we all have opinions about something. Just to know someone out there is reading this is kinda cool.
This is in no particular order, and I reserve the right to add to, combine or delete the list as I see it changing. As of this moment the many forms of WHHHEEEEE include:
1. DRUGS...prescribed by a doctor, of course, but if not taken a VERY specific way, I can be WHHHEEEEEing all the way home (or at least for an hour) My head spins so fast, but I feel like I am moving so slow and I have to move with purpose or I will get it wrong-whatever I have do to in that moment. At times it feels dangerous, at times it's a blast. The drugs are for the epilepsy and I am on 3-I have tried and failed 7-9 of them... WHHHEEEEE
2. WORK...Before the epilespy arrived, I was a waitress for 11 years and a freakin' great one at that. In order, Denny's, Peppermill and Hungry Hunter. (Yes, I classed it up a bit as I got older) Time flew durning my shifts as fast as I did....WHHHEEEEE. I work in a slightly less fast paced environment now, but when we're hopping...WHHHEEEEE.
3. THREE YEAR OLD...life through a child's eyes is amazing and fun and is going so fast, I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. She is going to give us a run for our money...WHHHEEEEE.
4. LOVE...I've been with my honey for approaching 15 years (almost married for 9) Those of you in relationships must know what I mean when I say 'time flies when you're having fun'...WHHHEEEEE.
5. SEX...'nuff said...WHHHEEEEE.
6. FAMILY...outside the one in my home-siblings, parents, in-laws-etc,you get it...'nuff said...WHHHEEEEE.
7. FRIENDS...I have this wonderful support system of old friends who knew me before the epilepsy, and the child, and new friends who have only known me this way. I am amazed they still want to be my friend. I have only gotten crazier or more needy. I was a complete giver before this. You needed me and I was there. Money, a couch, a meal, flowers to brighten your day, a phone call out of the blue, cards just because, a ride to BFE, chat in the middle of the night, a shoulder, advice, video taping in the delivery room. Whatever, whenever, I was your girl...Then I got royally screwed (to the tune of over $17,000) by a so called friend. Then the epilepsy. I couldn't work for 18 months because the docs didn't know what it was. Then I got the best job ever. And I made friends there (regina phalange, banana, ladidadi). And some of the old ones (ross, BRO) stuck around. I needed the help then. Advice, a shoulder, a meal, a card, a ride, and they were there for me. What goes around comes around (huge believer in karma right here!) and I do my best to not feel guilty for needing so much help. I still give it when I can, just in a different way, and it's hard sometimes to figure out what that way is. You can't pay your bills? Hold on lady, you will not get that back. How about lunch instead? Better.-It's taken me a long time to realize they will like me if I can't solve all their problems-if I'm just there for them when they need me like they are there for me. I certainly don't expect my friends to cure me, raise my child, I love them for being them. Some of my new friends and I feel certain ways about a certain person/situation. If I could give details, you would too. We've tried to feel and behave differently for over 3 years. Seperately, we've all gotten run down/screwed over by a person in the same way too many times. We're not taking it anymore. We've come to realize it's a lack of maturity that some people are destined to live without. That being said, we are on a slow ride down for our judgements and comments. It is our own cirlce of WHHHEEEEE and we simply can't (ok, choose not to) help ourselves anymore. We've gotten better, but figure lets go down in a blaze of glory because we are most certainly going down. We try to do better in every other aspect of our lives to balance things out. Time will tell if that works. We're all in it together...WHHHEEEEE.
I certainly am blessed to just write about all these things and have the ability to do so. As time goes on I will post about many of these things again. Next time will be about blessings, I think and I know a lot of it will overlap...WHHHEEEEE!

Ode to supergramma

I remember being a child/preteen/teenager and having my friends sleepover all the time and I could have as many as I wanted, pretty much whenever I wanted. I loved that. Tonight, I do the same for my howit. She is just shy of 3 and a half and already having her first sleepover. I hope (but not completely deluding myself) that she will remember this for many years. I hope at least the faint memory of this night will stay with her forever. MEL is her best friend (it was just reconfirmed a few minutes ago) and they are so delighted. Popcorn, m'n'm's, movies, dress up, tea parties, whispering, reading to each other, brushing each other's hair-I'm sure a pillow fight will break out soon! (do they know what that is yet?) I am overjoyed at their joy and I don't care when or where they sleep-that will come later. I want to lay the foundation of many sleepovers to come. So my first post is to honor supergramma, and for teaching me to be the best mom I can possibly be!